I Will Be
by jacklavigne
Summary: Xena is left in silence while Gabrielle is heartbroken over her Xena's relationship with Marc Antony. Will Gabrielle stay with Xena? Or will she leave her forever?
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Gabrielle is hurt over the relationship between Xena and Marc Antony, and can't stand to be around her lover any longer. Will she leave Xena forever, or will Xena find a way to win her back?

Disclaimer: Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Eve, Cyrene and all the other characters from Xena, The Warrior Priness don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for this story. I will return them once it has been finished, sadly.

Violence: The violence in this story will be very mild, if any at all. There are many curse words though.

Subtext: Subtext is maintext in this fanfiction. There will be graphic scenes of two women making love, and having sex. Along with a lot of heartbreak. If this bothers you, then you might want to stop reading this now, or you can open your mind and continue.

If you are under the age of eighteen, or this type of story is illegal where you live, then close stop reading now. Close the page.

Author's Note: I always wondered how Gabrielle managed to deal with Xena's relationships with other people on the show. This is a possible reaction to Xena and Antony's relationship in season five. I have not decided yet how many parts of this story I will write. Maybe two, or more, depending on whether or not people enjoy it.

Comments are very much appreciated.

If you wish to send them to me, my email is jacklavigne13hotmail .com

Enjoy the show! Or so to speak.

**I Will Be**

For days now, there's only been silence between us. At this beginning, I cherished it, foolishly assuming that it'd be over soon, and you would be screaming and raging at me. I knew all your hurt and anger would come out, and I knew I deserved it, but that doesn't mean I didn't dread it. Usually, I would want it, I would wish for you to curse at me, curse at the Fate's for entwining our lives together, but not this time. Because this time, I know I pushed too hard, pushed you too far, and I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified that it was too much for you. I'm afraid that this time, you'll walk away and out of my life, and i'd only have myself to blame.

I really didn't expect any of this. I didn't know that going to Egypt would end up causing us both so much pain. And I truly didn't know that I'd end up falling for him.

Marc Antony.

By the Gods, his name just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth now. You were right, I always have had a soft spot for bad boys; Borias, Ceaser, Ares, but Antony? I never thought I could find myself loving him. Not after I'd found you, the one true person that I could see myself spending my life with. With Antony, I could see myself conquering the world, like I always used to dream about with Ceaser. It pulled me in, his raw power and brutality seduced me, and my darkness started to come out to play. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself, even when I saw your face across the hall as I fed him strawberries, using every skill in seduction that I have, I couldn't stop. I could see your heart breaking as I kissed him, as he caressed me, and when you interrupted us, my words to you were harsh.

And when I met up with him that one night, I also know if we hadn't been attacked by those soldiers, I would have let him take me. I would have made love with him, without a second thought.

You have every right to be upset, more than upset, you should be down right boiling mad. I know I would be if our roles had been reversed. Though I know, if our roles were opposite, you never would have crossed the line like I did. You would never do that to me, you're just too God damn honourable. You deserve better than me, so much better, and yet now, I'm so afraid you will finally leave to find someone who is.

I'm even more scared that you haven't yet spoken to me. It's been almost a week, and hardly a word has slipped from your tongue, that's what frightens me the most. There's no anger, no jealousy, no bitterness, there's just quiet. I thought that this was just the calm before the storm, but the storm doesn't seem to be coming. Everyone I've spoken to says I should be grateful, and just move on like you obviously are, but I know better. Even though the lightening is yet to strike, I can see it there, in your eyes. In every look, every touch that you recoil from, every word left unspoken, it's there. I'm praying now that the screaming starts, I pray for the harsh words, the pushing and shoving. Anything would be better than this, this not knowing of what's going to happen next.

I watch you now, across our campfire as you sharpen your sai's. You are so beautiful, and I know I don't nearly tell you as often as I should. Your once almost red hair has been bleached by the sun to a gold that glistens in the light from the fire. Your sea green eyes are slightly narrowed as you concentrate on your weapons. Your lightly tanned skin practically sparkles, it's just so lovely and soft, and I crave to feel it's smoothness under my fingers. Don't even get me started on the rest of your body, those perfect curves and your lean muscles, displayed so well with that skimpy Amazon outfit you wear. I have never seen another woman as perfect as you, and I know I never will in this lifetime or any after.

I know you can feel my gaze, I can see the twitch just under your left eye that shows your agitation from being stared at so intensly, but I don't care. I want you to be mad with me now, I want you to lose your temper at me, and end this torture. But you continue, like I'm not even here, like you can't sense the emotions practically seeping from my skin. Maybe this is your plan, to leave me in silence until I finally lose my mind. You think that I'll just sit here, and take it like I deserve. You know how stubborn I am, you know that I'm too proud to speak first, but this time you're wrong. This is too much, and I fear I will die without hearing the sweet sound of your voice for any longer. Something that was once so constant in my life, and has now dissapeared. So I do the unpredictable, I let go of my pride, and my ego, and I speak.

"Gabrielle," I whispered raspily, my throat dry from being unused for long. "Talk to me."

You look up in suprise, your eyes wide and almost cut yourself with your blades you're so shocked to hear my voice. It is short lived as you quickly compose yourself and your eyes once again lose all emotion and your expression is of indifference.

"I have nothing to say," you reply before returning to your weapons.

"You must have something to say," I growl in exasperation. I was starting to get angry now, and my emotions were starting to boil over. "You're Gabrielle, Battling Bard of Potadeia, you _always_ have something to say."

Your hand freezes mid stroke, and your body tenses as you look up at me with cold eyes. I can practically feel the anger radiating off you now, and I start to wonder if I made the right desicion in speaking.

"You," the word is growled with such venom, I can't help the shudder that goes through my body. "How dare you ask me to speak when for the last five fucking years, you've hardly spoken one sentence to me every day."

You've dropped your sai's now, and they lay forgotten on the floor as you stand up, and I'm thankful that you aren't holding them as you stride towards me menacingly.

"You don't deserve any words from me," you're standing in front of me now, your emerald orbs dark with rage as your hands clench unconciously into fists at your sides. Once again, I'm really glad you don't have your weapons on you.

"Gabrielle," I whisper softly, in my best soothing voice as I reach out to you.

You recoil from me again, as though my touch would burn you, and raise your hands as if warding off an attack. "Don't."

"I can't even," you mumble, shaking your head and looking away from me. "I can't. Those hands... I just can't."

"Gabrielle," I try again, standing up slowly. "I'm sorr-"

"Don't!" You yell as your point your finger at me, your eyes blazing. "Don't you fucking dare, Xena! I'm not going to let you get away with this again. I won't let you tell me that you're sorry and that you won't do it again, because it's a lie. Every word that comes out of your mouth is a lie. 'Baby, I only kissed Ares a few times, it doesn't mean anything.' Or, or, 'I don't love Ulysses, we just fucked one time.' And lets leave best for last, 'Oh, Gabrielle, I don't feel anything for him, I just need to fuck him to get our mission to work.'

So don't say a fucking word, Xena, because your word means shit to me."

I could only stand there in shock as you whirled away from me, crossing the campfire in seconds and picking up your saddlebag. The only thing that was going through my mind was 'Holy shit, I don't even think I've heard that many curse words come out of sailors mouth.'

I quickly jolted from my thoughts as I realised what you were doing. I watched in horror as you walked around our camp, shoving all your possession into your bag, and then leaned down to pick up your bed roll.

"Gabrielle, what are you doing?" I managed to choke out, as my throat constricted painfully, because I already knew exactly what you were doing.

"What does it look like I'm doing, Xe?" You replied, not even sparing a glance in my direction. "I'm leaving. I can't stay here with you anymore, it hurts too much. Being with you, hurts too much."

"Can't we talk about this?" I pleaded, as I walked over to your horse, pulling off the saddle you had just attached in my desperation.

"No, we c- God damn it, Xena," you growl as watch me drop the saddle on the other side of the camp. "That won't stop me from leaving, you taught me to ride bareback in emergencies, remember?"

I did remember, and I started to regret it immediately, cursing at myself.

"Gabrielle, please," I whisper, tears welling up in my eyes. "Please, don't do this. I'm begging you, just stay and talk to me. We've been through worse than this, we can work it out, I know we can."

I watched, a small bit of hope welling in my chest as you sighed and dropped the pan you were holding onto your bag. Crossing your arms, you turned to face me, your eyes sad as your shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Maybe," your voice is so quiet I have to strain to hear it. "Maybe, I don't want to work this out anymore, Xena. Maybe, just maybe, I've had enough. You're right, we've been through worse than this. We've been through crucifictions, poison arrows, wars, we've even been through Heaven and Hell. I'm done."

My worst fear came true with those few, softly spoken words. 'I've had enough, I'm done.' That was all it took to make my world come crashing down around me, for my heart to break. Part of me knew, that this was all my fault, and I should just let her go, just so I wouldn't ever be able to hurt her again. But I'm selfish, and I know I can't live without her.

"No," I say, crossing the camp so quickly, I was basically a blur until I stood motionless in front of her. "No, you're not done. We're not done. You and I, we'll never be done, Gabrielle. I know this has been harder than it should be, and I've fucked up so many times that I've lost count. But you and I, we're supposed to be together, always. I know I made a mistake, again, and you have no reason to forgive me, but I can't let you go. I can't let you walk out of my life, Gabrielle, because I can't live without you. I can't. I'll die if you walk out of here, I know I will."

I watch as you avert your eyes, and I can feel your resolve start to crumble, as your body begins to shake. "Don't guilt trip me, Xena."

"I'm not trying to guilt trip you!" I yell, suprising us both, before hurriedly composing myself and continuing. "I swear Gabrielle, I would never try and guilt trip you into staying with me. I'm being completely honest. I can't live without you. You are my life, my light. You're the only thing in this whole world that means anything to me. And I can't deny that I felt something with Antony, or that my kiss with Ares didn't mean anything. I can't even deny what happened between Ulysses and I, but I regret it. I regret it all because those were wasted moments that I could have been spending with you. I love you, Gabrielle. I love you, and only you. Forever."

You turn towards me, and everything seemed to be happening in slow motion as I wait for your reply. Your eyes well with tears, and spill over your cheeks as you make no effort to wipe them away. Your lips twitch into a tiny half smile and you slowly raise your hand, cupping my cheek as your thumb gently caresses my skin. My body feels like its on fire from the touch that I have been aching for, for so long now, and I almost can't contain myself as you lean up and ever so tenderly press your lips to mine.

Your lips as so soft, and in the last few weeks, I almost forgot how sweet you tasted. I can't help the soft moan that slips from my lips as your hand travels along my jaw and then tangles in the hair at the back of my head. You ever so slowly deepen the kiss, teasing my tongue with your own as you grip my hip with your free hand and mold our bodies together.

And then as quickly as it started, it was over. You pull away from me slightly, hardly a breath between our lips, and your eyes lock on mine, and I realise as I stare into your eyes, how badly I misunderstood the kiss I had just recieved.

It wasn't a kiss of forgiveness or even a kiss to let me know that we'd be okay. That we'd be together, always.

It was a kiss to say goodbye.

I was frozen in place as she stepped away from me and returned to her packing. It was if my feet had grown roots that burrowed deep into the Earth, I couldn't move. All I wanted to do was to run to her and stop her, but in the back of my head, there was a voice whispering to me, that made me stop.

_Let her go._

_She deserves better. Let her go. _

"Okay," I whisper, tearing my eyes away from the woman who couldn't stand to be around me anymore, and settling myself on my bedroll.

I simply laid there, my eyes closed, listening as she continued to remove every bit of her existance from the camp. I listened until there was no more sound to be heard, except for the wind and the creatures lurking around our camp. I knew she was watching me, I could feel it burning my skin, making every bit of my body tingle. She was waiting for something and I wonder what she expects me to do. Does she think I'm going to yell and scream? Or does she expect me to grovel and beg on my knee's for her to stay?

I'd probably be doing the latter right now, to be honest, if I could feel anything except for the emptiness in my soul.

"Take care, Xena," her soft voice was thick with emotion, and I desperately wanted to say something to stop her but couldn't manage to speak past my heart that was lodged in my throat.

I listened once more as she pulled herself up onto her horse, silence again then a soft sigh, so quiet that it was almost lost in the wind, and then I felt rather than heard her steer her horse away from me and out of the camp. Out of my life.

I controlled myself for as long as I possibily could, until the pain became too strong and a strangled sound of agony escaped from my lips. She had left me. Really left me, for good. She was gone and I was alone again. The sobs wracked my body, my chest heaving as I gasped for air. The tears seemed neverending as they streamed down my cheeks, and for the first time in years, I didn't know what to do.

I couldn't chase after her, because I had always promised if she ever willingly decided to leave me, I would let her. I wouldn't burden her with my unwanted prescence, I had already hurt her enough. But now I hurt so badly, I didn't think I could possibly live another moment. Every breath I took was a mystery to me, and the erratic beating of my heart shocked me. I want to die without her, I expected to. I was nothing without her, and my life was empty and dark without her light to lead me, but my heart continued to beat, and I cursed the Fate's for not cutting my life thread right then.

I laid on my bedroll, the sobs eventually quieting but the tears didn't stop their relentless flow. I was unwilling to move, burying my face into the soft blankets, picking up the faint scent of my now ex lover, and another scent, one that I had forgotten in my heartbreak.

The scent of my daughter, no, _our_ daughter. Eve.

And suddenly, a bright spark of hope began to burn in my chest. Gabrielle could leave me, but I know she wouldn't be able to stay away from our daughter forever. She loved her as much as she loved me, maybe even more now. She would find her, and I would be there, waiting, on my knee's, begging for her to return. And maybe, just maybe, she would forgive me once more.

I slowly managed to pull myself from my bedroll, pushing myself until I was on my feet. I glanced around the camp, which seemed so empty without her. Straightening my shoulders, I strode over to Argo, stroking her long neck as she gently nudged her large head into my shoulder. I nuzzled her cheek with mine, closing my eyes as I took comfort from my oldest friend.

"I'll get her back, Argo," I whispered, my voice full of confidence that I didn't feel. "She'll be back, walking along beside us in no time. I want to let her go, let her live her life so she can be happy without me. But I can't, Argo. I need her. I'll get her back, then you, Eve, Gabrielle and I will be a family again. You'll see."

Argo snorted softly in what I hoped was agreement, and I turned away from her, walking around the camp and picking up the few possession I owned, deep in thought as I packed my things.

I will see her again. Our threads were entwined for eternity, we were meant for each other. I'll change anything she wants, become everything she desires. And I will be everything she deserves.

"You'll see, Gabrielle. You'll see."

To be continued in part Two.


	2. Chapter 2

_Authour's note: Howdy readers. I got so many emails from you, and I'm really sorry that I haven't updated this story as quickly as I had planned. I've had some computer problems which didn't allow it. But here I am! I have borrowed the lyrics from the song Shattered byTrading Yesterday. It's an amazing song, and you should all listen to it, before, while or after reading this story. It gave me my inspiration for this chapter. __.com/watch?v=dzS4OJP-YMk&feature=related_

_I hope you all enjoy this, as much as I enjoyed writing it for you. Comments are very much appreciated, they make me want to keep writing more, so if you want to send me one regarding this story, my email is: jacklavigne13hotmail. com_

_Read on!_

**I Will Be**

**Part Two **

_Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding_

_Fall into your sunlight_

_The future's open wide, beyond believing_

_To know why hope dies_

_Losing what was found, a world so hollow_

_Suspended in a compromise_

_The silence of this sound is soon to follow_

_Somehow sundown_

The sun was hot, boiling the armour that covered her tanned skin, and she cursed it for not protecting her. The metal did nothing to shield her from the pain in her heart as she staggered down the dirt path, pulling Argo along behind her. She cursed the Gods be damned armour, she cursed the unforgiving sun, and she cursed herself for getting herself into this mess in the first place. If only she hadn't taken the path she did, if only she had rejected the advances of Marc Antony, then she wouldn't be travelling alone. If she had only done right by her lover, the sun wouldn't be so hot, and the path not so steep, because she'd be in the company of Gabrielle.

And the Gods know, nothing could be so bad when she had the blonde bard by her side.

But without her, everything seemed so much harder, every step she took was so painful, without her love's encouraging and comforting words being whispered in her ear. There were so many questions in her head, all gone unanswered. All her hopes and dreams of redemption and a peaceful life were dashed. And even though she could feel the sun beating down upon her, her world was in darkness, without her bard's light to lead her. Her world was empty, just like her chest which was missing her heart.

_And finding answers_

_Is forgetting all of the questions we call home_

_Passing the graves of the unknown_

_As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading_

_Illusions of the sunlight_

_And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting_

_Love gone for so long_

It had been almost a moon now since Gabrielle had left her at their camp, taking all her belongings and riding away on her horse. A whole moon without her love, the taste of her lips, the touch of her hands. And the silence, the silence was neverending. She could hear the sound of the wind, the swaying of branches, and when she was on the ship back to Greece, she could hear the waves crashing against the boat, but there was always something missing. The soothing sound of her love's voice, caressing her soul, and filling her with a love so strong that she felt her heart would explode. It was so quiet without it, and her heart felt weak, like the next beat could be it's last.

She missed the stories that the small bard would tell as they travelled. She missed the way her lover's voice would change with each character, and how her hands moved as they tried to describe the scene she was setting in the mind of her audience of one. She missed everything about Gabrielle, from the way she crinkled her nose when she smiled, the way her stomach muscles rippled with every step she took, to the way she snored softly as she slept, her face the picture of innocence and purity, showing none of the pain she carried so heavily in her heart.

And more than anything, she missed those small, soft hands that touched her so intimately. The fingertips that caressed her skin, massaged her tense muscles, brought her to climax. She missed the way they tangled in her hair as they made love, the blunt fingernails that scratched down her back when she was so deep inside her lover she didn't know when she ended and Gabrielle begun. The hands that roughly grabbed the back of her neck and crushed her lips against the soft ones that belonged to her soulmate, the hands that held her hips as she thrusted into her lover until they both tumbled over into pleasure that couldn't be described in words.

She missed Gabrielle so much that it hurt, physically and emotionally, but she was gone, never to return.

_This day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know_

_Knowing that faith is all I hold_

Faith. Faith was all that she had left. Faith that maybe she would make it through, faith that maybe her soulmate would return to her. A part of her knew that it was hopeless, that she'd return to Amphipolis and that her lover wouldn't be there waiting for her, but she had to have faith. Because without it, she had nothing, and she couldn't keep living without the hope that maybe Gabrielle would forgive her. Maybe, Gabrielle would realise that they were made for each other, and give her another chance to prove that she could be worthy of her love.

_Who am I kidding? _I thought to myself, furiously kicking a log out of my way and watching in satisfaction as it shattered against a nearby tree. _I'm not worthy of her brilliance. I've known that from the start, that I don't deserve her light. I didn't deserve any of the things she offered me, I just took them for granted, thinking that she would never walk away. And look what that got me, nothing. Nothing except for a self inflicted broken heart, and a path to walk alone. I don't know which path to walk without her, I don't know who I am without her. I'm lost. _

_And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand_

_Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love_

_Without love gone wrong_

_Lifeless words, carry on_

_But I know_

_All I know_

_Is that the ends beginning_

It felt like the end, the end of their relationship, maybe even the end of her life. But she knew, she had to keep going, because even though her lover might not be waiting for her in Amphipolis, someone was. Eve, their daughter, was waiting for her to come home, and she wouldn't dissapoint her. Everything else may be lost, but she would always have their daughter to remind her of their love. And when she found her, she was going to hold her and never let her go, and then she was going to make some changes. Not small, hardly noticeable changes, but big, life changing differences, so that when Gabrielle came to see Eve, she would see that I can change.

I will show her that I can be everything she needs. I will be the woman she deserves, I will be loving and affectionate, I will comfort her, and hold her when she cries. I will talk to her about everything, everything that I feel, and all the dreams I have for our future together that I never told her when I should have. I will provide for her, and profess my undying love for her everynight as she lays in my arms. I will be her home.

_Who I am from the start_

_Take me home to my heart_

_Let me go_

_And I will run_

_I will not be silenced_

_All this time spent in vain_

_Wasted years, wasted gain_

_All is lost, hope remains_

_And this war's not over_

No matter how hard the rest of this journey is, no matter how many men and armies I have to fight, no matter how cold the nights are when I'm not wrapped up in my lover's warm embrace, I will not give up. I will use my pain and my hurt to make everything right again. I can't give up, I can't lose, because if I do, my life will have no meaning. Even with my daughter in my arms, I won't be able to see the sun, because without Gabrielle, there is nothing. So I will fight, fight for the love that I threw away, the love that I don't deserve, because I need it. I've wasted so many years by her side, never really telling her how much I loved her. She has lived and died for me, she has battled Gods for our daughter, she has laid upon crosses for our love, given up her way of peace for my life. She has given me everything, and I have given her nothing, except for a few exciting stories to tell, and a whole lifetime of pain and suffering.

No more will I be selfish and secretive, I will give her my all. I will give her the bad, but most of all, I will give her the good, because she deserves nothing less than every part of my being. Because I belong to her, even though she doesn't know it, my heart, soul, mind and body are in her grasp. She is the love of my life, my soulmate, my light, my entire world, my greater good, and I will fight for her.

I will fight for her, and I will see the sun once more.

_Theres a light_

_Theres the sun_

_Taking all the shattered ones_

_To the place we belong_

_And his love will conquer all_

_Yesterday I died, tommorrows bleeding_

_Fall into your sunlight _

**To be continued in Part Three**


	3. Chapter 3

_Authors Note: Keeping my promise on updating my stories quicker. This chapter is told from Gabrielles POV, and the lyrics are from Trading Yesterday - My Last Goodbye. I hope you guys enjoy it, and if you wish to email me with some comments, which would be very much appreciated, my email is _

_Enjoy!_

**I Will Be**

**Part Three**

_I've got to walk away_

_While there's still hope_

_Learn to erase_

_The love I know_

_And let you go_

It was the hardest thing she ever had to do, walking away from the love of her life, but she had to. It was neccesary, because in her lover's prescence she could no longer breathe, and her heart broke a little bit more with every step she walked beside her. For so many years they had travelled together, fighting for the greater good, and she never expected for their journey together to end like this. She truly believed they would eventually settle down, let someone else take over the fighting for a better world, and live happily ever after in each other's arms. She hoped to die peacefully in her lover's embrace as they slept, or at least fighting for their cause beside Xena.

That was not to be, it seemed.

It felt like she was dying now, after the past moon and a half, as she sat in the Queen's hut in the middle of the Amazon village. She knew it would hurt to leave Xena, to leave their life and love behind, but she never expected this complete and utter emptiness to come with it. She had hoped to be relieved of her pain, of watching her lover repeatedly fall into another's arms, but if anything it only intensified it. She couldn't help but wonder what her soulmate was doing now, whether she had returned to Amphipolis for their daughter as planned, and if she had found another companion in her journey. Knowing her lover's sexual appetite, she couldn't deny that Xena had probably already filled her bed with another, replacing her love and touch with someone elses. Someone more willing to bend to her every need, and without the jealousy that she possessed. The thought made her furious, and even more jealous than when she watched Xena kiss Antony with such passion that should have belonged to her.

_Cause what I thought was love_

_Was only lies_

_Taking what you want_

_Left me behind_

_As my heart dies_

She was just the foolish girl that had followed the Warrior Princess from her home. And when Xena had seen how pathetic she truly was, she took advantage of her feelings of love, and used her to rid herself of her lust. She was something to conquer, something to take up spare time when not fighting evil. That's all she was to the woman she gave her heart to, a pretty girl to keep her bed warm, and stop her food from burning.

The optimistic side of her knew that what she was thinking was a lie. That side of her knew that Xena had loved her, knew that their love was neverending, that they were meant to be together. But she wasn't listening to the optimistic side of herself right now. She needed the pessimistic, angry and betrayed part of her heart to get past all this pain and heartbreak. She needed to think she meant nothing to the warrior, so that maybe, just maybe, she could move on, and not feel this guilt and loneliness that had crept into her heart when she left her lover.

_So here we are again_

_Knowing this will never end_

_So I must let go_

_This is my last goodbye_

_Leaving all the memories of you behind_

_I will not wait here and waste my whole life_

_And waste my whole life_

She couldn't continue this way anymore, not knowing if her soulmate would leave her in the next village they entered. Not knowing if there would be another woman, or man, more attractive or more intelligent than she was that would catch Xena's eye. There was nothing concrete between them, no home to go to, no quiet life together outside of the fighting. The only thing they had together, the one thing they had shared, besides from their love, was Eve.

_Gods, Eve, _I thought to myself, closing my eyes tightly to hold back the tears that threatened to fall down my cheeks. _My daughter, our daughter, the Gods know how much I miss you. I miss your tiny hands, your ticklish feet, your beautiful face that's so much like your mothers. God, I miss your mother..._

_No! No, Gabrielle, don't think about her like that. You left her for a reason, do you remember Marc Antony? The man that had his hands and lips all over your soulmate? The man that Xena fell for, completely forgetting about your pathetic existance. She isn't missing you, she's probably replaced you already, so don't miss her, don't waste your breath loving someone who can never love you._

_I can see you now_

_With opened eyes_

_When you come around_

_And realize_

_That I don't need you to survive_

By the Gods, that man, Marc Antony. If I had been on the ship with him, instead of being stuck with Brutus, I would have killed him myself. How dare he touch the love of my life? And how dare she let him. She didn't think about me once when she was kissing him, she didn't care that my heart was shattering in my chest when she was loving him. She didn't care about me, the life we had together, the love we shared, or the daughter we had waiting for us. All she cared about was her lust and satisfaction and the body of Antony beside her or more importantly, inside of her.

Everytime I thought about it, I felt a small part of me die, and I fear that soon there will be nothing left of me, that I will be a hollow shell of the woman I used to be. I can't find the joy in the gift of life anymore, I can't see the colours of the world around me, everything is dull compared to her love.

I'm dying without her, and I'm dying when I'm with her. I can't win this battle.

_I will not begin_

_A fight that we can never win_

_So I'm letting go_

_This is my last goodbye_

_Leaving all the memories of you behind_

_I will not wait here and waste my whole life_

_And waste my whole life_

I don't know what to do with my life, without her strong hands to guide me. I came to the Amazon village because I had no where else to go. I wanted desperately to go to our daughter, so I could at least hold her one last time, but I was scared once I saw her, I would never be able to leave. So here I am, with my people, attempting to start a new life. It would be so much easier if I could let her go, if I could just stop thinking about her for just one second.

I can see the glances and approving looks that are thrown my way from more than half the Amazon's in this village. I can feel their lust for me as I walk by, but I cannot act upon it. Everytime I think of bedding a woman, when I wonder what it would be like to feel their hands on my skin, my thoughts go straight to her. I think about how it feels with her strong hands on my body, her hot skin pressed against mine. Her hungry lips conquering my own, drinking the love and passion that I offered to her so willingly. I remember the way it felt to have her inside of me, buried so deep I could feel her in every nerve in my body. The way she set my senses on fire when she moaned my name, and the cries that were torn from her lips when she came.

I wondered if there would ever be another for me, someone that I could look at without wishing they were Xena. Without wishing I had just been enough for her.

_My passion, my poison_

_The life and death of me_

_I can't take you taking everything_

_From a love never meant to be_

_This is my last goodbye_

_Leaving all the memories of you behind_

_I will not wait here and waste my whole life_

I try everyday so desperately to forget her, but I can't. I can't forget her, and I can't forget our love but most of all I can't forget our daughter. I can't forget Eve, and I shouldn't have to I've decided. She may not be of my blood, but she is my heart and I love her more than life itself. I can't live without her any longer, because if I can't be with Xena, then I at least need to be with Eve. If only for a little while, I need to hold her, breathe in her life that gives me hope and makes me want to live to see her grow. I will go to her, and I will be the mother she deserves.

It will break my heart to see Xena, and not be able to touch her. I want her so badly, need her so much, but if I have come away with anything from our time together, it is my pride. I won't give in to her this time, because I know deep in my heart that I deserve more. I deserve someone that will love me, and only me, and whose body will be mine alone to touch and to love. She can't promise me that, she can't promise me a peaceful life with our daughter. She needs to fight for her soul, fight for redemption for the lives she has taken, and there will always be another to fill her bed. I need to let her go and I need to say goodbye, because I can't keep wasting my life wishing for something that will never be. Maybe in the next life or the life after that, we will find each other and she will love me completely, but I can't keep dreaming my life away on something that could never happen.

I will say my final goodbye, and I will leave again, and maybe, just maybe, I will be okay.

_This is my last goodbye_

_This will be one final tear for love to die_

_I will not wait here and waste my whole life_

_With my last goodbye_

_With my last goodbye_


	4. Chapter 4

**I Will Be**

**Part Four**

It had been just over a month and a half of hard travel. The sun had shown me no mercy once I set foot in Greece and my shoulders ached with the burn they had recieved, but I paid it no attention as I rode into my hometown of Amphipolis. I was finally home, and for the first time since Gabrielle had left me, I felt something other than pain. A small ray of joy broke through my darkness and flickered life into my broken heart. I could feel my daughter's warmth from the moment I flew through the gates of the city I was birthed in. A smile lit up my features and shone brilliantly as I galloped the last few feet towards my mother's inn. Swinging my leg over the saddle, I slid off Argo, handing the reins to the stable boy and gave the horse a quick pat on her neck before striding up the steps of my childhood home. I burst through the door, almost swinging it off it's hinges in my excitement to see my daughter and scanned the room for the dark haired woman that would lead me to my child.

I found my mother behind the bar, gazing at me in shock at my sudden arrival, before the older woman smiled happily and strode towards me, engulfing me in a bone crushing hug. I returned the embrace, squeezing the air from Cyrene's lungs in my happiness to be home. For the first time in almost two moons, I was glad to be alive.

"Xena," Cyrene gasped, pulling away from her daughter and looking up into the pale blue eyes that were so much like her own. "It's so good to see you."

"It's good to see you too, Mom," I replied, gazing around the room impatiently once more. "Where's Evie? I've missed her terribly."

"She's in your room, come on," Cyrene smiled warmly, taking her daughters hand and leading her towards the stairs. She froze mid step and I almost slammed into her back at the sudden stop. She turned around quickly and glanced behind me, frowning before letting go of my hand and walking to the entrance of the inn. She looked out into the darkness, her eyes searching, before turning back towards me, confusion etched into her features.

"Where is she?"

My heart plummeted and my happiness at being home to see my mother and daughter vanished. My shoulders slumped in defeat and I averted my eyes from the woman who gave me life. I couldn't bear to see the dissapointment in her eyes when she realised what I done, and what it had cost me. Suddenly, the thought of being home to see Eve made me feel empty. The moment wouldn't be perfect without my lover by my side. Gods, how I missed her.

"Where is she, Xena?" My mother repeated as she walked towards me slowly. "Where is Gabrielle?"

I swallowed, trying to force the lump in my throat down as I desperately tried to think up a reasonable lie to tell my mother. How could I tell her that Gabrielle had left me? How could I tell her that my daughter had lost one of her mother's because of my stupidity? Gabrielle was the only reason I had even managed to mend the relationship I had with my mother, without her what would happen?

_Who are you kidding? _I thought to myself angrily. _Gabrielle is the only reason you have anything in this life. If not for her, you wouldn't even be here, you would have died long ago without her by your side. You wouldn't have your mother, you wouldn't have any friends, and you sure as Hell wouldn't have Eve. _

"She's...I..." I stuttered, avoiding the piercing blue gaze that was somehow holding me in place.

"She left you."

I looked at my mother in suprise, before sighing and dropping my head, nodding. I listened as my mother made her way towards me, half expecting to be slapped in the face, and completely shocked when she pulled me into her arms. That was it, the final wall came tumbling down and my cold mask of indifference shattered right there in my mother's embrace. I burst into tears, my chest heaving with sobs as I cried in the middle of my childhood home, not caring about the eyes that stared at me from around the dining room. My chest burned from lack of air and the tears never seemed to stop as my mother whispered soothing words into my ear, leading me towards the stairs and away from her customers.

I didn't even notice we had moved until I found myself in my old bedroom, sitting on the cot in the corner, still wrapped in my mothers arms.

"She's gone, Mom," I hiccuped pathetically. "She's really gone."

"I know, honey," my mother said softly, stroking my hair like she used to when I was a child. "I was wondering when this would happen, to be honest."

I pulled away from her abrubtly, gazing at her with eyes full of hurt at her harsh words. I couldn't deny it though, I had been wondering the same thing for years.

"That came out all wrong," Cyrene muttered, rubbing her forehead before smiling weakly at her daughter. "I didn't mean it like that, dear. And I don't mean to be hurtful, but I had to admit, I was expecting something like this to happen between you eventually. You are both very strong, independant women, and with the distance that has come between you lately..."

Cyrene let the rest of her sentence drop into silence, gazing sadly at her heartbroken daughter. Now that she looked closer at her, she could see the distress the woman was in, her eyes held such a deep pain in them, the dark circles underneath showing her lack of sleep. And her leather and armour hung loosly on her thin body.

"It's okay, Mum," I replied, smiling sadly. "I know. Nothing has been right between us lately, and after our last mission, I gave her no reason to want to stay with me. I just miss her so much."

I could feel the tears well in my eyes once more, but before they could fall, a loud cry broke the silence of the room.

"Eve," I whispered, standing up quickly and striding towards the cradle in the far corner of the room that I had passed by unnoticed in my misery when I had entered.

I smiled as I gazed down at my daughter. I hadn't realised how much I had truly missed her until this moment. I gently traced my fingertips over her cheek before reaching out and gently picking her up and pulling her into my embrace. She was somehow even more beautiful than before I left for Egypt. Her raven coloured hair was longer than before, falling into her pale eyes, and she was so much bigger. I held her tightly against my body, cradling her in my arms as I rocked her back and forth in an attempt to soothe her.

"Hey baby," I crooned softly, leaning down to press a gentle kiss to my daugher's forehead. "Don't cry, Momma's home. I got you."

I continued to whisper words of love to her, until her cries ceased and she was asleep once more in my arms. Turning back towards my mother, I gave her a watery smile, recieving a warm one in return. I had my daughter, and for a moment, the emptiness in my heart was filled with my complete love for her. I closed my eyes against the pain of not sharing this moment with my soulmate, unconciously pulling Eve closer to my chest.

"Everything will be all right," I heard my mother's soft voice, cracking with emotion. "You have your daughter, and eventually, Gabrielle will come home. She loves you, both of you."

I could only nod, my throat tight as I fought against the screaming in my head, telling me that nothing would ever be alright as long as my lover was gone. And I desperately hoped that my mother was right, and that she would return, if not for me, then for our daughter.

The next few weeks went by slowly, as I spent most of my time with Eve and my mother. I had hoped that being home would help with the pain I felt over the loss of Gabrielle's love, but it didn't. There were moments when I was so content with Eve, that I almost forgot that my bard wasn't there with me, but then I would turn to speak to her, and I'd find myself alone. It was even worse at night while I laid in bed, Eve sleeping peacefully in her crib. I missed her strong arms around me, holding me as I fell asleep, and soothing me when I woke from my nightmares. I missed whispering to her in the dark, telling her how much I loved her, and making love under the stars.

The feeling of being completely alone was almost overwhelming, and most nights I cried myself to sleep, praying to whatever Gods were left that they would return her to me. On the outside, I was the epitome of calm and indifference, but on the inside, I was a mess. The shattered remains of my heart ached, and my soul felt broken and battered to the point of no return. I threw myself into helping my mother out with the Inn in a desperate attempt to quench my thirst for her love. I fixed the roof, repaired every piece of broken furniture, served customers their meals, and even sat on the stage and sang to the crowd a few times. But nothing could help me forget Gabrielle.

This morning, I had been returning to the inn after a hunting trip in the forest surrounding Amphipolis, and walked by a man on the edge of town filling his wagon with possessions. I frowned, repositioning the deer that was slung over my shoulder, and watched the man curiously.

_"Thatcher," I called the man's name, watching as he started, fumbling with the vase he held in his hands before turning towards me. "Where are you going?"_

_"To Athens," he replied, smiling at me brightly. "My son got accepted into the Academy of Bards there, so we're leaving."_

_I felt my heart throb painfully in my chest, closing my eyes against the flash of aguish that gripped me at the reminder of my soulmate, before smiling weakly at the dark haired man._

_"Oh? What are you going to do with your house?"_

_He frowned, turning away from me and gazing at the small cottage. It was nothing special, simple wood and stone, with a small garden by the front door. A thought buried itself in my mind, and I couldn't help the small smile that slid onto my lips._

_"My house?" Thatcher mused, setting his vase down on the wagon and rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "To be honest, I hadn't really thought of it. It's not worth much. Why, are you looking for a place, Xena?"_

_I shrugged uncaringly, letting my gaze roam over the cottage in indifference. It would be perfect for Eve and I, a nice place to settle down, and what was left of my heart started to beat faster with excitement. _

_"Not really," I replied in a bored tone, showing none of the thoughts racing through my mind in my expression. "I could take it off your hands if you want, but I don't have much."_

_Thatcher smiled at me, shrugging slightly as he picked up a wooden chair, and placed it into his wagon, before grabbing a rope to tie everything down._

_"Like I said, it's not worth much, and I'm in a good mood today, consider it yours, free of charge."_

_I could only raise an eyebrow at his words. I was shocked at the man's kindness, and I couldn't help the grin that took over my face. _

_"Thatcher, I couldn't," I said, dropping the deer on the ground and walking towards him. "It's worth something, you started your family here."_

_"Xena," he laughed, his brown eyes twinkling as he gazed at me. "You've done enough for this village in the past few years, it's time we give you something back. It's only a house, and I don't need it, or your money. You have a daughter now, you need somewhere to start a life with your own family. It's yours."_

She had practically skipped home after giving the man an unexpected hug, feeling excited about something for the first time in moons. She spent the rest of the day filling the house with spare furniture that her mother had given her from the inn. It wasn't much: a bed, a cradle for Eve, a couple of chairs and a table, but the house already had a fireplace and a stove, and she could build whatever else they needed.

She smiled in the darkness of her new home as she laid upon the bed. Everything was starting to change, just as she had planned. If only Gabrielle could see her now...

Her eyes narrowed and she released a soft sigh of frustration as she heard the front door open quietly, before soft footsteps made their way across the living room floor.

_I knew I should have fixed the lock on the front door before I went to sleep, _She thought to herself, remaining in bed as the footsteps stopped outside her bedroom door. _The first night here, and there's already someone breaking in. _

She listened as the door creaked open, inch by inch, turning her head slightly and gazing at the shadow as it entered the room. Ever so slowly, she reached for the dagger underneath her pillow, and as her fingers grasped the hilt, the figure stepped into the soft moonlight that filtered through the small window besides the door.

She couldn't hold back the soft gasp as the emerald orbs connected with her own pale blue, sending a lightning bolt through her body and warming her immediately. She held the dagger loosly in her grip, her mouth agape as she stared at the woman in the middle of her bedroom.

"Hi Xena," Gabrielle whispered.


	5. Chapter 5

**I Will Be**

**Part Five**

I felt hysterical laughter bubble up in my throat from the absurdity of the situation, but I managed to push it down, if only just. I didn't want her to think I'd gone completely insane since she'd left me. I had only moments before been wishing for her to be here, and now she was. Standing in the middle of my bedroom, in the house I've owned for less than a full day, staring at me. She spoke my name and I felt like I was on fire, my whole body shuddering at the soft sound of her voice. I always did love the way she said my name, the way it slipped off her tongue like the most natural thing in the world.

My heart was beating wildly in my chest and I felt a cold sweat break out over my entire body, sparkling in the moonlight. I could feel those emerald eyes burning into me as she gazed over my body, and over the bed I was laid in. She raised a perfectly sculpted blonde eyebrow, a small satisfied smirk on her lips and I frowned.

Did it give her pleasure to see me like this? So pathetic and broken since she had left me. I craved to know what she was thinking, but as quickly as the smile had appeared, it was gone. Neither of us moved for a long time, just gazing at each other, until finally I came to my senses and sat up, pulling the sheets tightly around me, feeling exposed under her intense gaze, though I wore a sleeping shift.

"Eve is in the corner, you can take her to the lounge and spend some time with her. She's been sleeping all day anyway, she won't mind getting up, especially to see you," I said, keeping my voice calm and devoid of emotion.

I laid back down on the bed, ignoring her shocked expression and watched as she turned away from me, walking to the crib in the corner. I couldn't stop the tiny smile as her face lit up when she saw our daughter for the first time in moons. I watched her lean down and pick Eve up carefully, whispering soft words to her as she held her.

"Gods, Xena," Gabrielle whispered in awe. "She got so big, and even more beautiful."

"Yeah, she has grown," I smiled, gazing at my two favourite people in the whole world. It was the perfect moment I had been waiting for, despite the fact that Gabrielle wasn't back for _me_, she was here. It felt good.

She turned towards me and gave me the brilliant smile that had made me fall in love with her, and I melted. My cool expression faded and I returned her smile, resting my hands behind my head as I watched them. My heart trembled in my chest as she walked over towards the bed, cooing softly to Eve as she sat on the edge of the cot beside me. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch her, to hold her, but I knew my hands wouldn't be welcome on her perfect body. She was too beautiful, too lovely and pure for my dirty hands, so I clenched them behind my head and just took in as much of her as I could, before the moment ended and she remembered what I'd done to make her leave in the first place.

Her eyes caught mine, and she gave me a tiny watery smile before leaning down and kissing our daughter's forehead. She nuzzled Eve's dark hair with her nose, grinning as Eve stretched out her tiny hands and touched Gabrielle's face. It was such a beautiful moment, and part of me felt like I should leave lest my prescence ruin it, but I couldn't move.

"She's missed you," I whispered softly, my voice cracking with the emotion that had been building inside of me for so long. "She looks for you everytime we enter a room."

"I've missed her too," you reply, and to my unbelievable suprise, you turned your body and laid down besides me, holding Eve between us in the crook of your arm.

We had laid like this, the three of us, so many times before, but I had never truly expected it to happen ever again. To have you so close to me, but not be able to touch you was torture. The fine hairs on my arms stood up on end and I felt a shiver go down my spine at your nearness, and I exhaled the breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding. I couldn't take my eyes off you, drinking in everything about you greedily, incase it was the last time I'd ever see you. Your incredibly soft golden hair, your sea green eyes, your smooth tanned skin, I took in everything, locking it away in my memory.

You looked up from our daughter, catching my eyes on your body, and that satisfied smirk returned. I averted my gaze, looking down at Eve and running my fingers over her soft cheek. You moved your hand so slightly as I went to pull away, our fingertips grazing, and I felt you in every nerve of my body. Even after all these moons, all the heartbreak and pain, your touch was still electric, and I found myself wondering how I had ever craved anyone elses hands on me. But right now, I couldn't think of anyone else, not with your eyes staring so deeply into my own.

You reached out to me, lightly brushing your fingertips over my jaw before your fingers tangled in the hair at my temple. You smiled at me, a small, unsure, crooked smile, and I felt like I was repeatedly being struck by lightening. I wanted to lean in to your touch, and I wanted to touch you, but I held back. I knew I had to let you set the pace of whatever it was that you were doing, I needed to give you complete control over me. I needed to give you everything I held back from you before, and so I laid completely still, reveling in your fingers running through my hair.

"Can we..." You frowned, biting your lip as you pulled your hand from my hair, trailing it over my shoulder and down my arm instead. "Can I stay here tonight? Can we just lay here? Together?"

I smiled, not able to believe my good fortune, and thanked whichever God that had given me this gift. Nodding, I reached down and pulled the deer skin blanket at the end of the bed up, placing it over us. I felt you cuddle closer to me, Eve still between us, but closer nonetheless, and I couldn't hold back any longer. Hesitantly, I reached out and softly rested my hand on your hip, giving it a gentle squeeze, before you covered it with your own.

"By the Gods," I whispered almost inaudibly, staring into your eyes. "I've missed you."

"Despite everything, I've missed you too," you replied, before closing your eyes and almost immediately falling asleep.

I finally had my chance, after all these moons, to prove to her that I could be everything she needed. And my last thought before I closed my eyes and let Morpheus take me was that I wouldn't dissapoint her this time. And tomorrow, I would start showing her just how much I missed her.


	6. Chapter 6

**I Will Be**

**Chapter Six**

She think I've fallen asleep, but I haven't. I lay here, my skin on fire, burning hottest where her hand rests on my hip. How can I possibly sleep while I'm this close to her? How can I close my eyes to dream when what I've been dreaming of for moons lies before me. My hand covers hers, and I want to squeeze it before running it over my body until it reaches where I want it so desperately. Every burning nerve in my being is screaming for me to let her have me, to be taken by her just one more time. But I can't. My heart is still hurting and my mind is always replaying the images of her with him. The kisses, the touches, the looks they shared. The pain is never ending.

And now the urge to take _her _is overwhelming. To show her what she gave up for a few nights of bliss with a man. I want her to feel me inside of her, touching her so deeply that she cries from how complete only I can make her feel. I want her to know that I was more deserving of her love, of her passion. I want her to remember how it feels to be touched and loved by me.

So I can take it away again, like she did to me.

It is so unlike me to be thinking these things, to want to hurt the one I love most, deliberately. But she hurt me a million times, and I want her to know the pain she has caused me over the years. I want her to know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and crushed by the one you trust the most. I want her to know what it feels like to not be enough, to not be good enough.

I wrap my arms around our daughter and slowly get up from the bed. I can feel her eyes on me as I make my way across the room to lay Eve down in her cot. I wrap the blankets tightly around her tiny body, leaning down and giving her a soft kiss on her forehead before turning around and locking eyes with my ex lover.

She could always melt me with those baby blues, my insides trembling with just a glance from her, but not tonight. Straightening my shoulders, I walk towards the bed, my hips swaying seductively as I continue to hold eye contact with her. Her confusion is written all over her face, but her eyes burn with desire as they roam over my toned body. I crawl from the end of the bed, dragging my hand up her thigh before straddling her hips. Staring down at her, I watch as her hands twitch and her pale blue eyes flicker with uncertainty and I know she's wondering what I'm doing. To be honest, I'm wondering the same thing.

More confidently than I feel, I reach down and pull her sleeping shirt up to expose her perfect, tanned skin. She leans up slightly as I pull the material over her head before she drops back down, staring up at me with an expression I've never seen before. A mixture of so many emotions that she so rarely displays: Excitement, joy, uncertainty, sadness, desire and most of all, fear. I know she wants me and my faked confidence becomes real.

I let my gaze wander over her body, and I feel myself become wet almost instantly. Running my hands over her strong shoulders and down her toned arms, I smile as I feel her muscles spasm under my fingers. Her body still amazes me with its magnificence: her toned abdomen, curvacious hips, perfect full breasts.

"Gabrielle," she breathes, and I reluctantly tear my eyes from her body to return her gaze. "What are you doing?"

I lightly trail my fingers down the valley between her breasts, never breaking eye contact. "What does it look like I'm doing? Do you want me to stop?"

I can feel her heart hammering in her chest, fluttering with every caress of my hands, and for the first time in moons I feel alive. Feeling her reactions to my touch, I feel so powerful, like I could do anything, be anything, have anything. And right now, I want her.

Her strong hands reach up and slender fingers tangle in my short blonde locks, and I feel her pull me down. When our lips are so close our breath mingles, I resist her, pulling back slightly and covering her lips with my fingers, shaking my head before leaning down and trailing kisses along her neck. I cannot kiss her lips, it's too intimate for me, and I fear I will break down and give in to her if I do.

I start to grind against her unconciously as I crawl down her body to blow gently over one of her sensitive nipples before taking it into my mouth. She gasps in shock and pleasure as I flick my tongue over the rock hard pebble, arching her back as I bite it gently. The noises she's making are driving me crazy, and I tug on the rose coloured flesh, whimpering as she grips my hair tighter. The pain is so pleasurable, and it only makes me want her even more.

I wanted to take this slowly, to drag out my torture, but with every passing second I can feel my control slipping. Trailing my hand down her smooth stomach, I reach the place I want to touch the most. Dragging my fingers through the dark hair covering her center, I look up into her eyes, dark with lust and I smile seductively.

"Do you want me, Xena?" I whisper, my voice several octaves lower than normal. I run my index finger slowly over her need, moaning softly at the amount of wetness I feel. "Do you want me to fuck you? Do you want me inside of you? Tell me."

She whimpers, throwing her head back as she pushes her hips up against my hand, trying to take me inside of her. I dip my finger into her for a moment before withdrawing it and biting my lip as she growls in frustration. "Tell me that you want me, Xena."

"Yes," She moans, squeezing her eyes shut. "Fuck yes, please, Gabrielle. I want you. I need you."

"I can't hear you, love," I say, leaning down and gently biting her neck as I position two fingers at her entrance, my thumb slowly rubbing her aching clit.

"Oh Gods, Gabrielle! Fuck me, please. I want you. I want you so much," she sobs, her desire overwhelming her as she pushed her hips up again and crying out when my fingers slide inside of her.

I can't stop the shudder that runs through my body as I feel myself surrounded by her. Her inner walls clench around my fingers, pulling me deeper and any self control I had left dissapeared. Pulling back from where my head resting against her shoulder, I crush my lips against hers, moaning into her mouth at the taste of her. I start a slow rhythm with my fingers as our tongues dance together, rediscovering one another.

She meets my every thrust, pulling me in deeper and harder as she moans continously into my mouth. I add another finger and I know she's close to the edge as she tighens around me. I start to pump my fingers into her faster, running my thumb over her clit rapidly. I rip my lips from hers, looking down into her passion filled eyes, growling when she closes them.

"Look at me, Xena," I whisper to her fiercly. "I want you to look at me when you come. Look at who makes you feel this way. I do. Only me."

I moan as I feel her blunt fingernails dig into my back, her body tense and her back arch, and she opens her eyes, her gaze burning right into my soul. I can see she's holding back and I know she is fighting desperately to keep quiet so as not to wake our daughter. I want so badly to hear her scream my name, to know that it is me she's thinking of. I continue to fuck her as she clenches tightly around my fingers, dragging out every second of her orgasm as she gazes up at me. She's never looked as beautiful as she does right now: lips parted, cheeks flushed, hair damp with sweat.

And as I look down at her, her pale eyes so full of love, my want to cause this woman pain vanishes. I feel her shudder with the last waves of pleasure from her orgasm and all the walls I've been building the past few moons come tumbling down in seconds. Despite everything that had happened, I loved the woman underneath me. I felt my heart clench in my chest, tearing a strangled sob from my lips as my emotions cascaded over me. I had kept up this facade for so long now, trying to be as numb as possible to avoid the feelings of hurt and loneliness since I'd left her in our camp all those months ago. And then she spoke four words to me, and the last barrier fell.

"I love you, Gabrielle," she breathed.

My emotions overwhelmed me and I burst into tears, crying harder when she pulled me into her embrace and held me tightly, stroking my hair as she whispered how sorry she was into my ear.

"I love you," I sobbed, clinging to her as if my life depended on it, which I'm now convinced it does. "I love you, Xena."


	7. Chapter 7

_Authors Note: Hey readers, this is the last chapter of this story! It's unbelievably short, and I did plan on making it longer, but when you read my note at the end, you won't be so angry at me. The lyrics from this chapter are I Don't Believe You by P!nk. If you want to send me some feedback, my email is jacklavigne13 _

_Enjoy!_

**I Will Be**

**Chapter Seven**

_It's like, the way we fight_

_The times I've cried_

_We come to blows_

_And everynight, the passions there_

_So it's gotta be right, right?_

I could do nothing but hold her in my arms while she cried. My body still thrummed from the earth shattering orgasm I had just experienced and every nerve in my body was tingling. I stroked her hair, whispering soft words into her ear while gently nuzzling her cheek with my nose. I breathed in deeply, inhaling her scent and sighed quietly. How had I never noticed how wonderful this woman in my arms smelt? She smells like sunshine and the first day of spring mixed with her own erotic scent that makes the tiny hairs on my skin stand on end.

I listened as her sobs became quieter until they eventually stopped, leaving her breathing heavily on my chest, her hands gripping my shoulders. I've never been good with words and I don't know what to say to her right now. I don't know how she's feeling, what's she thinking or what's going to happen next and it scares me. So I just hold her and wait.

It's only a few moment until I feel her start to pull away from me and I let her, moving my head so I can look up into her watery emerald eyes. She looks down at me and I can see the confusion displayed on her beautiful face and a deep sadness. My heart aches to know that I caused her this pain she has. I want to scream out how sorry I am but my voice has abandoned me and I can feel tears well up in my eyes from how helpless I feel.

"Xena," She whispers, her voice cracking.

"Gabrielle?"

She frowns, pulling further away from me until she's straddling my hips, her hands on my chest. Her brow furrows and she looks up at the ceiling and I know she's thinking so I stay quiet, watching her and waiting.

"I..." She starts, before sighing and shaking her head. "I can't."

I feel the first tear leak from the corner of my eye and slip down the side of my face and into my hair. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath before nodding. I didn't expect for her to trust me ever again, let alone want to continue spending her life with me, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

"I understand, Gabrielle," I say softly, gently squeezing her hips. "I know this doesn't change anything."

"No, it doesn't," she whispers, her voice thick with emotion. "But God, I wish it did."

I open my eyes to find her looking down at me and my heart starts beating faster. For the first time since she entered my bedroom, I can see the love she still has for me shining in her eyes. Once more, I want to tell her how sorry I am. I want to beg and plead for her to stay, but it wouldn't be fair on her. I hurt her a thousand times, and she deserves to be happy. Even if her being happy means I have to be miserable.

"Me too," I reply, smiling sadly.

"I'm always going to love you," She sobs, and I can feel her blunt fingernails digging into the skin on my chest. "You've ruined me, Xena. You came into my life on your big golden horse and you saved me. And then you destroyed me. Every single day, I fell more and more in love with you until my heart felt like it would explode because it was so filled with everything you are. But I was never enough."

"You were always enough, Gabrielle," I said fiercly, sitting up until we were eye to eye. "You have always been enough for me."

"But I haven't. I know you love me, Xena, and the Gods know that I love you. And maybe we are supposed to be together, maybe not. And this house is beautiful, and I know you're trying to change, trying to settle down and start a life for you and Eve. I so badly want to be a part of that life with you. I want to marry you, raise Evie with you and spend my life by your side until we are old and grey, but you can't promise me any of those things. You can't promise me that a few years from now, you won't get bored and want to live on the road again. You can't promise me that you will want only me, forever. And I need a promise, Xena. I can't go on living not knowing if someone better than me will walk into our lives tomorrow. I just can't."

She's crying again now and so I am, but for once, I don't care. The broken pieces of my heart have been crushed to a fine dust and my stomach is twisted into knots. I feel sick and I can't breathe and I wonder for a moment if I'm going to throw up, but then the feeling passes, leaving me empty.

I look into her eyes, trying to find something, anything to help me hold onto to the hope that has gotten me through the past few moons, but all I see is the end.

The end of us.

She leans in and lightly brushes her lips against mine, so light that I can hardly feel it, and I close my eyes, savouring the taste of her. It's amazing that after all these years, the softest touch from her can still send me to Elysia. I feel her pull away from me, her fingertips grazing my cheek and when I open my eyes, she's gone.

She's left me again, taking my heart with her once more and I want to scream. I want to be angry that she came back and made me feel complete again, only to take it away forever. But I can't be angry at her, I can only be grateful that I got to hold her, touch her and taste her one more time. I burn the memories of the last few candlemarks into my mind, knowing that everytime I close my eyes they will replay on the backs on my eyelids.

And despite everything that has been said tonight between the two of us, I can't forget the look in her eyes as she made love to me. The complete and utter love she holds for me, still. And that damn spark of hope turns to flames in my chest.

I will see her again, despite everything. We are soulmates and she is a part of me, and I am her. I will prove her and the world wrong and I will change.

I will be the woman she deserves, even if she doesn't want me. I will be, I promise.

_I don't mind it, I still don't mind at all_

_It's like, one of those bad dreams where you can't wake up_

_It looks like you've given up, you've had enough_

_But I want more, no, I won't stop_

_Cause I just know, you'll come around, right?_

_No, I don't believe you when you say don't around here no more_

_I won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart_

_No, I don't believe you when you say you don't need me anymore_

_So don't pretend to not love me at all_

**The End**

Authors note: Hey! I never said it would be a happy ending, did I? But there will be a sequel to this story, though it might take a week or so to be posted. The more emails/comments I get, the quicker the story will be posted, so start sending them! Stay tuned, guys.


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